Pickelville Playhouse Juanito Bandito...Watch the whole show online!!!

I keep promising to write something positive and upbeat.  Well you can't beat Juanito Bandito.  Not only is it positive, but it is hilarious.  You will laugh so hard your stomach hurts.  Well, at least at the show you will.  It might be a little different that seeing the show in person, but it is still as awesome as awesome gets.  The script writer, song writer, and Juanito himself TJ Davis has put the show online for the month of March only.  You have to go see it while you have the chance.  You will get hooked and have to make the trip to Bear Lake every summer just to see what he has in store each year.  My kids love Juanito.  Abby wears her I heart Badito shirt very proudly and knows all the words to all the songs.  And to my surprise she has been saying the lines of the show along with them as we watch it online.  She has only seen the show twice (once in Bear Lake and once in Logan) so that goes to show that it has made an impression on her too.  So click on the link and have a good laugh!!!  http://vimeo.com/37677023

Help My Friend Adam and his Family

So I keep promising to make my blog more positive.  I hate being negative, but when I keep hearing the things I do it is so hard to be positive and happy about cancer.  It is not a positive or happy thing.  We can speak positive of the outcome and what we hope the future will bring, but there are days that I want to scream at it and tell it how bad I hate it.  I seem to write about these days more than the good days, because on the good days I am enjoying the good in life.  On the bad days I need to vent. 

I have a very good friend from high school who married a childhood cancer survivor.  She was diagnosed at age 16.  She is now a wife and a mother of two of the cutest kids.  She has had her fair share of battles and deserves to live a full and happy life now.  This however is not the case.  After being told the cancer was back and fighting it for the second time, six months later she was again told the cancer was back.  THREE TIMES!!!  She is one amazing fighter.  And if you can help them in any way I know their family could use the help.  Even if it is just positive words of encouragement on their blog.  Here are Tessa's words (I have never heard her say a negative word in all that she has gone through)......

In '98 at the ripe old age of 16, I successfully battled Hodgkin's Disease stage II and went into remission. Twelve years later, the cancer came back, and it was a little further advanced and more aggressive than the first time, stage IVB. After extensive chemotherapy with ICE and an Autologous Stem Cell Transplant I was in remission... Until my six month PET/CT scan failed. Now, a year after the transplant I am facing cutting-edge treatment (Adcetris) and an Allogenic Bone Marrow Transplant (hopefully from one of my 3 brothers). Through all of this awfulness I've grown- stronger mentally, stronger in faith, and the love our family shares is as strong as it's ever been. I'm ready to fight for my life as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Go ahead cancer... BRING IT ON... again! ha ha :)

Reading her blog is one of the most uplifting things I do.  It makes me realize that we need to enjoy and live life while we can.  She has an outlook on life like no other.  I have never met her, but I look up to her in so many ways.  She is one AMAZING person!  


Take just a few minutes and go read a little about her and watch the amazing video that shows just how positive and amazing she is.....  supporttessabassettwinger.com

This is my friend Adam Winger and his wife Tessa after she lost her hair with her SECOND battle with cancer.  Third time is a charm and I know she is going to beat it!!!!

Dental Convetion/Vacation at Grandma and Grandpa's

My parents are always so willing and happy to meet us in Salt Lake and take the kids every year so we can go to the dental convention.  The kids were so excited to go to their house without us.  I just love Abby to death because she always tells me how much she is going to miss me.  My mom said when they got to her house Abby was in the bedroom taking down all the pictures of Ashton and I.  Grandma asked her why and she said she just misses us too much so she can't look at our pictures or she cries.  Remember that she has been away from us for about two hours at this point.  Ashton and I had a great time together.  It isn't very often (maybe once a year for the convention) that we spend nights away from the kids.  Especially since Chase was diagnosed.  So it was nice to get some time to ourselves.  We went to a movie, and the Jazz game, and dinner where ever we wanted (not McDonalds).  We just enjoyed being able to do whatever, whenever we wanted.  I won two passes to Alta and hotel stay so we used that while we were there also.  I have never skied at Alta so it was a lot of fun and FREE!  (that is always the best part)  I was worried about Chase the whole time (what's new).  I know that my mom is fully capable of taking care of him, but not matter where he is (even when he is with me) I worry about him.  Mason had a terrible sounding cough that started in the car ride up to salt lake.  It wasn't often that he coughed but when he did it sounded like a barking seal.  Pretty sure croup has been going around our neighborhood and Abby already had it so looked like she gave it to Mason.  On Friday night after we got back to our hotel it was about 12:30 and we were just laying in bed watching TV and my phone rang.  It was my mom and I knew that couldn't be good.  She let me listen to Chase on the phone and I will admit I was a little nervous because his cough was the worst of all three of my kids and he wasn't breathing well.  His fever was low grade, but he is always hotter at night so that didn't worry me unless it got higher.  So I called the oncologist on call.  She probably thought I was an idiot, but since I was not with him I needed the reassurance not only for me, but for my mom that he was going to be ok.  She said to just take him outside and unless he gets a fever we did not need to bring him in.  My mom said she slept with him all night and took his temp every hour.  They were both up until about 3:00 because he would cough so hard he would gag and want to throw up.  So it was a long night for them, but again, I am so glad I have my mom who stayed calm and just took care of my baby.  She is such a good grandma!!!  We had a great weekend all around (except the sickness).  Now we can look forward to our next trip....a cruise to the Caribbean.  Ashton's parents gave it to us for Christmas.  I am more nervous for that because of being out of contact scares me a little.  But again, with my mom being so awesome I am not as worried (but still a little....I will always worry, but that is a mom's job I guess).  Some fun pics from our little trip....

See the BIG YELLOW TAG?  We got to be VISITORS at primaries.  We went up to take some fun stuff to millie and some lunch because lets be honest, hospital food gets old fast.  Took this picture to send to Chase up at Grandma's.

We had the best seats in the house ;)

Grandpa's favorite chair.  It has his body molded into it.

Just a bunch of kids!!!  I love these guys!

We got to go see "Who Shot Janito Bandito?" again, this time in Logan.  It was just as good and maybe better the second time.  We laughed so hard.  I can't wait until Pickleville comes to St. George (hint, hint).  Abby wanted to get a picture with bandito at the show while wearing her I heart Bandito shirt.  But as you can see her face is bright red and this is her "I am embarrassed" smile.  Thanks TJ and clan for such an amazing show.  We loved every minute of it!!!

Bella and Abby made up a show with props and scenery in the background.  The show was El Bandito, the musical!  They made us tickets and invited us to come watch their show. Then they danced on the bed to the Bandito soundtrack.

Playing at Grandma and Grandpa's is hard work!!!

Valentines Dinner

Since we couldn't go out because of Chase's low counts I wanted to make Valentines at home special.  So Ashton came home from work and took the kids to fill the car up with gas.  I set up and cooked dinner.  I turned on some music, lit the candles, and turned out the lights.  When the kids walked in they were so excited.  We all had a candle light dinner (heart shaped pizza) together and enjoyed our Valentines day together at home as a family.  The kids got a kick out of it, and of coarse Ashton asked me if this is what our Valentines day dates have come to now?  We still get the candle light dinner, but the kids come with it???  Of coarse, and we had a lot of fun.  I have to post two pictures because there wasn't one picture of all that I took that all the kids were looking and the one that mason is looking is blurry of Chase and Abby has her eyes closed.  So here are the best two I could find. 

Valentines Surprise

Chase and I spend all morning yesterday making his valentines for his preschool so we could drop them off to the teacher to hand out to his friends for valentines since he wouldn't be there.  Chase had a blast and wrote his name on all of them all by himself.  He even told me I couldn't watch him do it.  He did a great job!!!  I feel like my other kids get the shaft as far as my posts go because Mason just follows me and Chase around in whatever we are doing.  Abby is at school all day and it seems like when she gets home we do homework, have dinner, and go to bed.  I need to get some Abby and Mason posts on here.  I will work on that....

We cleaned out the kids art drawer and collected more than enough old crayons and melted them in our heart ice tray to make a little heart crayon and said, "Happy Valentines Day for Crayon Out Loud!"

So with my bad attitude this morning it was making it hard to enjoy the day of LOVE!  Valentines was not shaping up to how I wanted it to be.  Just after 12 there was a knock at the door (remember Chase was not at preschool and hasn't been for a few weeks because of his low ANC).  Chase opened the door to find lots of surprises from his teachers and his friends from school.  He was so excited!!!  Their timing couldn't have been more perfect because he was crying because he couldn't have a certain friend come play because they have been sick.  This cheered him right up.  He has the cutest little preschool and I just love his teachers.  They are always so careful to make sure that it is a safe and CLEAN environment for Chase to be in.  In fact, I was taking him with low counts because I know how clean they are there until one of the nurses at PCMC told me it was probably not such a good idea.  I guess it doesn't matter how clean they are but all the other kids he is around that the nurse was worried about.  So we haven't been taking him.  Anyway, here is Chase's HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!  Thanks for all his friends and his teachers for making it a special day for him.....

Heart attack!!!!  All the kids had colored a heart to put in the grass.

Chase was overly excited about all the valentines his friends from school send to him.  And they made him this cute candy gram.  He was so overwhelmed and excited.  Mason was just excited that the front door opened so he could escape!

Another view of the heart attack.  Can you see Chase running out of the house to come show me another awesome valentine he found in his bag?

No Methotrexate!!!!

***Disclaimer, if you don't want to hear me vent yet again, please don't read this***
No Methotrexate is not a demand, I mean YES we want it!  But there is NO METHOTREXATE!!!   On top of all the anxiety I have had lately between having a close friend relapse, and Chase having low counts, and him not taking any chemo (I go to bed each night thinking the cancer is going to come back because he is not taking any chemo) I can not handle one more negative thing.  I want to start hearing positives.  I want to hear that Millie's brother is a match for her, I want to start hearing of more off treatment success stories, ANYTHING POSITIVE.  But instead I was watching the news last night (which I don't do very often) and they start taking about a shortage of Methotrexate.  WHAT????  I panic and head over to my cancer mom facebook page.  I know there will be a million comments on this by now because I am sure this is not the first time they have had it on the news.  Sure enough, it is all over the wall.  I will back up and bit and tell you how I have been trying to get my families emergency preparedness stuff in order.  We have a long ways to go, but we have to start somewhere.  So with that I have been worried that we can only get chase's meds monthly because of the way insurance pays for them.  So I don't have much of a stock pile of it.  I would like to have at least a month of extra and even more if possible.  I have not had time to do this, and then I heard this on the news.  I am not sure that it applies to his oral meds though.  He takes oral Methotrexate, but he also has it injected into his spine each time we go to PCMC.  This is they type that they have a huge shortage on.  I couldn't sleep last night thinking about so many cancer things.  I just laid there awake worrying about things I have no control over.  Why can't these drug companies make more.  Don't they know that my son will die without them?  Don't they care?  Someone has got to do something.  Our treatments are failing.   These little kids have the best cancer there is to have and we can't get rid of it.  Then the treatment that isn't perfect, and really should be, can't even be done because the chemo we need isn't being made by the drug companies.  I swear that my anxiety level has not been this high in our whole treatment.  The first few months after diagnosis I don't think I had anxiety, I was just too wrapped up in all that was going on to have time to think.  Then I hit a point where I thought we had made it.  We know how to live this kind of life and we can handle this.  Chase has a good chance of beating this cancer and we have nothing to worry about.  Now I am at the point where I want out.  I want to be done (yes, I have said this a million times but I still want to be done)!!!!  I don't feel like my head is even clear enough to function.  I just worry all day about Millie, Chase, and all the other kids that just don't deserve this.  I have come to find that my voice doesn't seem to do much either.  As far as passing bills to increase funding, and writing emails to important people that seem to have far more important things going on other than childhood cancer.  I just wish I could make a difference.  I want this to end.

I got an email this morning just solidifying everything I had nightmares about all night.  There is no more methotrexate.  There is a huge shortage and when Chase goes in for his next treatment in April there is a good chance they wont have the chemo that his little body needs (yep, his body needs poison). 
Here is the email I received from CureSEARCH:  (feel free to participate in any or all that they recommend)

As you may have heard through recent national news stories, there is currently a significant shortage of the chemotherapy medication preservative-free methotrexate in the United States. This drug is critical to the treatment of children with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). Unless production of preservative-free methotrexate increases, hospitals will run out of the medication completely in the days and weeks ahead.

YOU CAN HELP IN TWO WAYS

Contact the following pharmaceutical companies who produce methotrexate and ask them to:

1. Prioritize the production of the preservative-free form of methotrexate.
2. Consider working with the FDA to import preservative-free methotrexate if sources are available.

APP Customer Service	1-888-386-1300
Hospira, Inc. Customer Service	1-877-946-7747
Mylan Institutional	1-888-258-4199
Sandoz Customer Service	1-609-627-8500

Second, contact your Representatives and Senators on Capitol Hill and ask them to immediately send a letter to these same pharmaceutical companies requesting that they:

1. Prioritize the production of the preservative-free form of methotrexate.
2. Consider working with the FDA to import preservative-free methotrexate if sources are available.

To send a letter to your representative, click here.

Thank you for your support of this important issue!

 ***This is in italics because my computer is being tempermental and wont let me switch it*** 

So as you can see I panicked again.  One of the oncologist at PCMC said to stop worrying because they would just use a different chemo in it's place if they do run out.  But then I think, what do they know about that type of treatment?  It hasn't been tested, it is not part of our protocol.  And the chemo itself we have had before in treatment and it has lots more side effects than methotrexate.  So he will probably feel yucky and it is injected into his spine and goes straight to his brain.  I don't know that I want to be running experiments on his brain.  I am sure it will all be okay and it is better than getting nothing, but like I said before, I just want to be done.  Sad thing is that even when we are done the worrying will never stop.  I have lost all my innocence and I will always worry if the cancer is back or if another one of my children is showing signs.  We have all been given our trials and when we get through them we are stronger in the end, but I am not seeing an end.  When is the end going to come?  

Neutropenic Play Date

Chase has a little bit of cabin fever and his mom is probably worse than he is.  We have thought of every possible friend to play that is not sick or has not been around a lot of school age siblings.  He got to play with his cousin Cam on Tuesday and he had a blast.  Cam played all day and even at the end of the day they didn't want to part.  Cam left thinking he was coming back the next day.  Hope he wasn't too disappointed when he didn't come over the next day.  So yesterday we entertained ourselves with the puppet making and pretty much played the "find the superhero squeaky guys" the rest of the day.  We have even played it again today so that was a hit.  If a game lasts more than five minutes I consider it a success.  So today I was talking to Taleah's mom Tosha and we decided to get our two little neutropenic cabin fever kids together.  Tosha got off work and came over to play.  I got out the tea set because I figured that Taleah might not get too excited about all the cars and super heros.  It didn't last very long mostly because the two younger brothers crashed the party.

The cutest little tea party ever! Fast forward to when they are both 16 and dating....ahhh how cute would that be?  On second thought, maybe not a good idea.  I am sure that gene pool would produce lots of little cancer cuties!

It was a very progressive play date.  They were here for about 3 minutes, then in Chase's room for about 3 minutes, then we headed upstairs for a few games, then back down, and started the whole rotation again.  Shouldn't they both be tired?  Low counts usually means they are tired, but these two had more energy than me!!!  It was so cute because Chase kept calling Taleah Cami.  Cami is one of our other little cancer friends that lives in Salt Lake.  After he called her Cami about 12 times and we tried to correct him we just asked Taleah if she wanted to be Cami today.  She follows Cami on her blog and has looked up to Cami in a lot of her treatments.  So Taleah was perfectly fine with this.  She just said, "Yep, I will pretend to be Cami!"  She is such a cutie!!!

We played the curious george game upstairs (Don't mind the play room mess in the background.  There is no point in cleaning it because five minutes later it looks like this)

Giraffe Chase

Little Piggy Taleah (or Cami)

Mason had to join right in on the fun.  Doesn't he make a cute panda bear?

The little boys got tired really quick so it was a quick play date, but anything helps to break up the same old daily routine.  Chase didn't want them to leave so Taleah said he could come over and play on her new slide in her back yard.  So we have another play date to help us get through yet another day of low counts.  We just keep praying they will come up.  There is nothing that should be keeping him so low.  I hope that they are up next week so I can rest at ease and start giving him his chemo again.  In the mean time we will keep finding things to keep us busy!

Another Round of Hair Loss

Yesterday Chase had this one weird place on the back of his head that almost looked like someone had taken a 1/4" wide razor and buzzed up his head.  We didn't go anywhere so I didn't comb his hair yesterday and just thought it was that way because of how he had slept on it.  This morning it looked the same, but even more noticeable.  I ran my fingers through his hair and came out with a hand full of hair.  So I went to his bedroom because the bed and pillow is the tell all.  Yep, sure enough his pillow was covered in hair.  WHAT THE HECK???  We are in maintenance.  You aren't supposed to lose your hair in maint.  The doses of chemo are low enough that they usually keep their hair all the way through.  I think it hit me a little harder than the other times he lost his hair because I wasn't ready for it.  Last time I was just waiting for it to happen so when it did I had already come to terms with it.  Chase was also so young last time that he didn't have a clue what was going on.  So this time I kinda have a pit in my stomach.  I know it is not a big deal, and I actually like his little bald head, but I just wasn't prepped for it.  I thought maybe we could wait and see what happens.  I put a shirt on him for the day and went in the other room.  I came back to see if he would be up for a haircut and already his shirt was covered in hair.  It was time whether he wanted to or not he was getting a hair cut.  I don't want hair all over the house.  I told him he could pick a movie and he finally agreed.  I started cutting and when I was almost done he said, "That is not the kind of hair cut I wanted!!!"  He was not happy.  He didn't want all his hair to be gone.  I tried to explain it to him, but he was not having it.  I just finished cutting it and put him in the shower.  He is now eating lunch and while I was fixing lunch he rubbed his head and said to me, "I DO like this hair cut!"  I am glad he is ok with it because I was a little nervous we were going to have a break down.  I didn't have to explain anything to him last time so this is new to me.  I don't know how to tell him why.  Even when I do try I know he isn't fully understanding it all.

It is hard to see in this picture but the whole back of his head is covered in bald spots.

Chase gets haircuts in his underwear so excuse the nudity!!

What a stud!!!  He was not happy with me at this time so I am surprised I got such a good smile out of him.

Super Hero Sock Puppets

Nurse Jeanette came this morning to do another CBC.

Chase had to show her his phone (dad's way old one that we charged for him) and his squeaky guys (you will meet them later)

Chase has been off his chemo for a week and I was really hoping for high counts or at least high enough to start his chemo even on a low dose.  Well, his ANC jumped from 400 to a wopping 500.  In a whole week with no sickness or chemo he can only come up 100??? I am so frustrated.  I really wanted to start up chemo again.  The longer he is off it the more chances the cancer has to have free reign.  It just really scares me and now we are going to have to wait another week.  So after I got over the fact that we still have to be confined to our house I decided we needed to make the best of it.  I spent the last couple days scrubbing and cleaning my house.  When he has low counts I get even more paranoid.  So my house is clean, my laundry is done, and it is time to spend some quality time with the kids.  I pulled up a site on pinterest and found some fun ideas.  I read the list to Chase to see what sounded fun to him.  He picked out making the sock puppets.  The picture of the one we saw looked like this....(you can find the tutorial at Six Sisters Stuff)

So we started gathering things we could use to make our sock puppets.  I couldn't find a sock as cute as this one, but we at least found a usable one.  Then we sat down at the table and I started asking Chase what he wanted (colors, eyes, spikes, etc.)  He then tells me that he wants a spider man one and a captan america one.  REALLY?  Who does he think I am....super mom?  So I decided to try my hardest.  All I had to do was hit the main points of both characters and we would be set.  The problem was that to Chase the main thing with spider man is his web shooter.  I didn't know how I was going to pull that off.  So we sat and glued and he gave me directions the whole time so that I didn't mess up.  He told me what colors to put where and what they both needed.  Mason was a big help and ate all the pom poms that we weren't using and spread them through the house.  Always nice to have those really little helpers.  Needless to say we now have a spider man and captan america sock puppet and they both got Chase approval so I guess we did ok.

Notice the most important parts, the web and the shield. 

After we got our puppets built we decided that iron man and spider man needed to go fight the bad guys.  So Chase (spiderman) would hide our bad guy green goblin (the small squeaky guys). Then Captan American had to go find the green goblin.  After a while we decided to bring in some back up for help.  Spider man started hiding all of our squeaky guys and we had to find them all first before we went to find the green goblin so that they could help us catch him.  As you can see the squeaky guys are just small little figures not much taller than 1/2 inch.  So they make a good toy to hide.  Spider man and captan america took turns hiding and seeking.  This kept him entertained for a good hour plus the time it took us to make the sock puppets.  Morning well spent!!!

Just so you can see how small these little tykes are.

Here is the line up of the super hero team.  There are a couple bad guys mixed in, those are the ones we had to go fight.  From left to right I am going to tell you I would have never known more than spiderman, captan american, and ironman had I not had a little boy who loves super heroes.  We have Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Hulk, Thor, Magneto, Wolverine, Spiderman, Ironman, Captan America, and The Green Goblin.

Prayers For Millie

Millie is amazing!  She has been through so much.  Two years of chemotherapy and not an easy road either.  She has been battling a few different things these last two months of her treatment.  She had kidney stones (I have never had them, nor do I ever want them because I hear they are terrible).  A child that has been through so much pain had to endure even more.  It is just not fair.  Well, on Feb 2 Millie went to the hospital for her last treatment.  She had her chemo and a bone marrow aspirate and she was out the door.  How exciting and what an amazing day for Millie and her family.  They have been through so much in the last two years and they deserve a huge congratulations and a party.  That is what they did.  Little did this amazing little family know what was coming just a week later!

This is Millie in July of 2010.  She just melts your heart!!!

This is Millie just recently getting her FIRST haircut since she lost her hair.

Look at all those curls!!!  She has worked so hard to grow them back!

Because of Millie's rough road the last few months and her blood counts not being what they should be toward the end of treatment so they decided to do a bone marrow aspirate and have it tested just to be sure everything was ok.  They got the results yesterday and they were not what they wanted to hear.  The cancer is back!!!  Millie has the same cancer as Chase.  Their prognosis is very good.  It is very unlikely that ALL will come back.  But obviously there is still not a perfect treatment to get rid of it for good.  Millie is now going to be admitted to the hospital (today) and undergo three very intense months of mostly inpatient (if not all three months inpatient) chemotherapy.  Then more months in the hospital to recover. She will be sick and her beautiful curls that she is so proud of and worked so hard to grow back will all be gone AGAIN!  They will kill every single cell in her bone marrow until she is at zero so she can have a bone marrow transplant.  This is very risky because without your bone marrow you are at risk for all sorts of sickness.  If she gets even one little bug it could be life threatening to her.  (that is the reason a lot of the time is spent in the hospital in the confines of her own room with very few visitors).  Millie had just started school this year and was loving it.  Kindergarten is such a big deal to these little kids.  They get to go to school and be normal.  Millie will not be attending her school and will be stuck in her 10x10 room up at PCMC.  

Today they are testing her only sibling (siblings are the first ones tested because they are the most likely to match) for a bone marrow match.  Her little brother is only 2 years old.  He doesn't understand all that is going on, but he could potentially be his sisters life saver.  This is where you come in....PLEASE PLEASE pray for this family today.  This is big!  Austin (Millie's little brother) has a 1 in 4 chance of being a match.  They need him to be a match.  They are having a special fast today in hopes that Austin will be Millie's match.  

We just love the Flamm's.  They have done so much for us.  Every time we go up to Salt Lake for treatment they have very generously let us stay in their guest house.  They have been a huge support in Chase's treatment.  Obviously they are ahead of us in their treatment so they always explained to us what was coming and what we could expect.  Amanda has been one of the shoulders for me to lean on and vent to and cry on.  It has been so nice to have someone who just gets it.  You don't have to explain ANYTHING!  She just gets it.  So when I got her text yesterday telling me the news my heart sank.  I spent most of the day crying and just thinking off all they have ahead of them.  She didn't have to say ANYTHING to me except the cancer is back because she knows I get it.  She knows that I know the treatment is harsher, more risky, and the prognosis goes down.  It is just not fair.  Why does this world have to have cancer.  I have had more people tell me bad stories with bad outcomes lately than good.  It should be the other way around.  We should be figuring this disease out.  We should be curing it.  My heart is with the Flamm's and has been through these last couple months of Millie's rough patch in her treatment.  It will be with them for the next while just praying that all goes like it "should."  But at the same time I can not get the very selfish thought out of my head of, "What if?"  Chase has this exact same cancer.  What if we go through three and a half years of chemo and treatments just to have it come back and then have to do even harsher treatment.  I will tell you that when Chase was diagnosed I didn't cry right off.  I think I was in shock.  It wasn't until I was laying in the hospital bed next to him with everyone sleeping that I finally broke down and lost it.  I think this is because I didn't know the road a head of us.  I didn't know how hard it would be.  I was willing to do anything and everything to get him through this.  But if someone told me it was back.......that is all they would have to say.  I know now!!!  I know what cancer is like.  I know how much it takes away these little kids childhoods.  And I know that it would be that and only worse the second time around.  I think I would lose it then and there.  I don't think I could function.  I just don't want to see these little kids suffer anymore.  I have said before that I can't imagine my life without cancer.  It is just a part of us now, but there are so many days that I wish it weren't.  I want to be oblivious again to the fact that there are kids dying everywhere.  I don't want to know about all the CRAP they have to go through.  This is just not fair to Millie or her family.  THEY WERE DONE!!!  They paid their dues and they are supposed to get to move on with life not start over again!  I am so sorry for the venting but I held it in all day yesterday.  I needed to let it out today.  There are days that I have to write blog posts and just not post them because I hate making my blog depressing.  I want to show the happy times, but lately the happy times are getting blurred just a bit and I need to get what I am thinking off my chest.  

Millie, we will be praying and pulling for your family today.  Austin will be a match, he has to be.  We love you guys and want you to know we are here for you no matter what life hands us.  It is going to hand you cancer, take it away, and then hand it to you again, but we are here to fight with you. 

EVERYONE PRAY TODAY!  

Valentines FHE

Abby was in charge of FHE all by herself.  She told us she had a good idea and she wanted to do it all alone.  When she got home from school she started working on it.  We had dinner and then Mason was a mess so he got put in the shower in our room and we had FHE in our closet.  Weird, but we had a lot of fun.  Abby read us a story about telling the truth.  Before we went into our closet she played us a primary song on the piano.  After her story, she handed us all some little pink paper hearts.  She told us we had to write something we liked about everyone in our family.  After we did this she glued them all to a paper plate to make them look like a wreath.  She read them all to us and we had to guess who had wrote it.  The night ended with a good game of hide and go seek.  That is after we got Mason out of the shower.  I am going to say it was one of the best FHE's we have ever had.  She is quite the kid.  I just love her!!!

Our little wreath all finished and put up in the living room for decoration!