So many mixed feelings are present right now. It was one year ago today that we got the bad news, and our lives were literally flipped upside down. So much has changed in this last year that I don't even have the words to express how I am feeling. To look at my sweet three year old and know that has cancer and continuously has poison running though his veins and say that we are completely happy with life would sound like I am cruel. But other than the fact that I HATE cancer in all forms, and I wish that Chase did not have to go through what he does every day, I really can say that we are happy. I am happy to have him here with us. He is alive, and doing so VERY well. He amazes me every day. He came and got in bed with Ashton and I this morning and I just wanted to lay there and hold him. Which he let me do for a while, but after a few minutes he was ready for breakfast. I just kept holding him thinking, "on this day last year I was holding you in a hospital bed praying my little heart out that what the doctors were testing for would come back negative and that we would be going home." I laid there in that hospital bed with my two year old son thinking, "this is not happening. This does not happen to us. Our family is healthy." And at that point I didn't even have a clue that if he did have leukemia, what our lives were going to be like from that point forward. I look back at how calm I felt, and how I wasn't mad. I don't know any reason other than I know that my Heavenly Father was there by my side with his arms fully around me. He was keeping me calm and comforting me to know that though this was going to be a hum dinger of a trial that I was not going to do it alone. I know that we have had some REALLY bad days. There are days that I wanted to give up. But knowing that I have the comfort of an eternal family and that no matter what happens we will ALWAYS be together kept me going. I knew that Chase could fight this. He is the toughest kid around. But knowing all that I know now....how hard every day is and that we just have to take it one day at a time and smile....I would NEVER take it all back. I can not imagine our lives any different than they are now. We have built so many relationships with people that have filled our lives with so much joy. We have strengthened relationships that were good, but now are so much better. We have made so many TRUE friends that would be there no matter what happens and HAVE been there with us crying and laughing through all that we have gone through. I have learned that if a marriage can make it through cancer it can make it through just about ANYTHING. I have learned that the sweet prayers of a sister can go a long way. Abby has been so tender through this last year. There are nights that she tells me that she can't say her prayers because she will cry. I try to tell her that it is okay to cry (she should know this by now because I do it ALL the time). Her little prayers are so sincere that I know they are counting double in heaven when she prays. So if you asked me if this was the worst year of our lives, or the best year of our lives I honestly don't know what I would tell you because it has been such a wonderful crappy year!!!
Last night we were able to celebrate all that our family has gone through with many of those that have gone through it right along side us. We invited over many neighbors, friends, and family to celebrate this day with us. We like to keep things outdoors so that our home stays clean for Chase and also to have the open air so we had a little night at the movies. We showed Bed Time Stories, had lots of treats, popcorn, and homemade Rootbeer floats (which I will admit I had at least three...they were awesome thanks to my FIL). We have had so much support given to our family that there really isn't a proper way for us to thank everyone, but we hope that they know just how much we appreciate all that has been done for our family. And like always I took way too many pictures and have to post them all.
Chase and I made cupcakes together for his "One year for cancer" party! I just kept asking him why he was so special to get a party and it wasn't even his birthday and he would say, "one year for cancer!!!" In his super cute little voice.
The little kids would go back in the corner under the trampoline so they could see their glow bracelets.
CHALK ONE YEAR UP FOR CANCER. ONLY TWO AND A HALF MORE TO GO!!! LOOK OUT CANCER HERE COMES CHASE!!!
Bracelets we had made for our team. They say Chase the Cure on one side and the other says End Childhood Cancer.
Our CureSearch walk turned out to be AMAZING! As a whole we were able to raise over $72,000. We were so excited. We had so many people that supported us by walking with us and also donating to our team. We feel so very blessed to have so much love and support that was poured upon us. The day started out with an opening ceremony where each child came up on stage and got a medal and said their name and age. This was touching to see how many kids are currently fighting for their lives or have fought a long hard battle. There were some I know personally that are miracles. Against all odds they are still here with us and that is the way we plan to keep it, hence the reason we raised all this money and walked in their honor. They also had those who were walking to remember...... this was so hard to watch them take a white balloon in their hand and hold it for a moment of silence and know that they have lost a child to cancer. As tears came to each of their eyes (and all those in the crowd) they released their balloons and we watched them float away.
Tony Burgers Donated 100% of proceeds for a whole week to CureSearch!!! I went for lunch the day before the walk and got to sit with Kelli who was here from New Jersey from CureSearch. I learned a lot more about CureSearch and just how amazing this organization is.
We were able to see so many of the people we have met from our cancer family. I love all the moms that I have met. We had a lot of fun supporting each other and pumping each other up trying to raise more and more money before walk day. We have a facebook page that we share as a cancer mom group. It was fun to push each other to reach our $50k goal and then to find out on walk day that with the donations that came in the day of that we not only reached our goal but blew it out of the water. I love these ladies and could not do all that I do without their support.
You can see that we wore bandanas. They represented "The Reason We Walk". They were.... Kelly Green = I am a SURVIVOR or am Walking on behalf of a Survivor. Lime Green = I am in TREATMENT or Walking on behalf of a child in treatment. Mint Green = Walking in MEMORY of a child. Dark Green = FRIEND or Corporate Supporter. So we were sporting our Lime Green bandanas and I can't wait for the day we get to wear Kelly Green. To have this fight over and behind us will be a day to really celebrate!!!
Chase had chemo on Friday morning and started steroids. I have found that if I keep up on my grocery shopping and have every possible food in the house that he could ever want then things go a little smoother. And I keep him on a good sleeping schedule so he doesn't have the big steroids outbursts. He gets a little grumpy but not as bad. Well, this was not the case this time. We were not in our own beds and went to bed late for three nights in a row. We were not near home so I had a few snacks but I didn't read his mind well enough to have EVERYTHING he could possibly want packed. So this ended up in a slightly less than happy little boy. When we were walking and he was in the stroller with Mason he said to my mom, "where is mom taking us?" He didn't think this was much fun to walk for no reason. It was also funny because Mason, who is 10 months old, figured out that if he put his arm over on Chase (double stroller side by side) that Chase would get really mad and push his arm back over by him. Mason found this very humorous, but Chase did not. It is funny how even at 10 months they know how to push buttons.
After the walk they had a closing ceremony. They announced the top five teams (YEAH! We were one of them) and then they gave hats to all the kids. It was an amazing day, filled with amazing people, and lots of friends and family! Thanks to EVERYONE!!! I am sad that I didn't get a picture with my whole team. I just have a few shots here and there and I still didn't get everyone in them that came and walked with us.
Chase is quite the fighter and we are so proud of him and all he goes through on a daily basis. I know I would complain a lot more than he does if it were me having to do all that he does. He is one awesome Cancer Fighting Cutie!!!
After our walk we were able to spend some time with some of our really good friends from St. George that came up to walk with us. They have been so supportive with all we have gone through. They have been there every step of the way. And even though they have been out of town pretty much every weekend this summer they did not even hesitate for a moment when we told them we were going up to Salt Lake to walk in a CureSearch Walk. They said they would be there with us. So after walking with them we all had much needed naps and then went over to Temple Square. The kids wanted to see the "Big Jesus". So we went to the visitors center and Abby wanted to go to the very top of the conference center to see where the prophet speaks to us when he is on TV. It was a very nice day and the weather was perfect. It was a little hot, but I had to remind myself that it was much better than if we were in St. George.
This lasted all of about three minutes and then he said he was tired. I didn't see that one coming at all ;)
If there is something on the floor then Mason has to be on top of it. So this suitcase was open and I didn't even have time to get clothes out and he was in it!!!
One of my very good friends came to Salt Lake to walk with me in our CureSearch walk. So I made her take some pictures for us. She did an amazing job!!! First, I had something I wanted in mind and could not find Abby's dress in a store. So my overly talented mother in law just whipped this up for her. Isn't it adorable? Second, it always amazes me that in the pictures it looks like everyone was happy. That was so not the case. Chase is sleep deprived and on steroids so he did not want to smile. Abby has a toe nail that is half way ripped off and her mean mom made her put on shoes instead of flip flops and every time we walked she would have tears come to her eyes. But I will say that she was a trooper and tried her hardest not to cry. Mason was happy for a while, but towards the end like every little one he was done. I really wanted to get some photos at the Flamm's place not only because it is beautiful, but we have made so many memories there. They have been so good to us. I know I have said this before but it is a "familiar" for Chase. With so many things inconsistent and changing in his life it is nice to have a few things that he can depend on. This is one of them. When we say we are going to Salt Lake he instantly knows we are headed for the barn with all the animals. He loves it there. Oh, and a little side note. Today we were going into town to get some books from the library. Chase says to me, "are we almost there?"
I said, "Yes Chase."
He then said to me, "are we in Spanish Fork?" He has never in his life been to Spanish Fork, but I am sure that he has asked if we were almost there once or twice in that area and we say yes and then go on to tell him that we are in Spanish Fork.
So here is a little glimpse of Maegan's Awesomeness!!! Thanks Maeg for all you do for me.
You may want to click on the "youtube" in the lower right corner of the video and watch it from there because the right hand side gets cut off and it is really small here on my blog.
One year ago this month we heard those words, "your son has Cancer!" It was terrible. I thought there was no way and they must have made a mistake. After having a million different things run though my head I decided we were going to move forward and do whatever it takes to beat this. It helped that we were told he had the "good kind". But it was still so hard to cope with all that had been thrown at us. After a full year of treatment I can say the worst part was the first month and a half. Chase was thrown into a new world where he had no control. We took almost every part of his life and changed it. That is hard for a two year old that wants to do everything "by myself!" He took steroids that made him so grumpy, actually grumpy is not the best word for it, but I hate to use any others because he couldn't help the way he acted. I had to force medicine down his throat multiple times a day along with IV antibiotics around the clock. I hated this month because I felt like he honestly "hated" me. Any time he saw me he was sure I was just coming to do something to him again, or give him some sort of nasty medicine. I would have to sit on top of him, holding his arms and legs down. He would SCREAM and flip his arms and legs until he could get out. He was strong and growing by the hour. He gained 30% of his own body weight in three weeks. After hoping that I got even half of the medicine in him he would usually throw it back up so then we would have to do it all again. I cry writing this because he has come so far. It has become his "normal". He believes that everyone has to do this. He sees me take my daily vitamins and says to me, "mom, you taking your magic medicine?" (we call his pill form of meds magic because he takes a drink and they disappear). He has been a trooper. I have a hard time watching this video because it brings back all those bad memories, but with all the bad there was so much good. So much we have to be thankful for. One of our greatest blessings is that he is here with us. He is alive and fighting. We can still hear his little voice. We can still take him on a family vacation. We can still tuck him in bed every night. We can still kiss him and tell him how much we love him. HE IS OUR LITTLE BOY and we will never forget what a fight he has been through to be here with us.
In ONE WEEK we will be headed to Salt Lake to walk in our CureSearch walk. We will be there CELEBRATING Chase's life and this huge milestone in his treatment. We will not only be celebrating his life, but the life of all children who are fighting, will fight, and have already fought. Some have won the battle, and others have lost, but they are all hero's in my eyes. They are all tougher that I could ever imagine myself to be if I were in their shoes. The sad part is that there is just not enough research done for Childhood Cancer. They have drugs to help kill the cancer and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't we all know the result, but when it does that doesn't mean it is the end of that child's fight. While we were up at Camp Hobe I met so many amazing mothers. I can not even imagine what they have gone through. One of which that I will always look up to had THREE, yes THREE children with a very rare and aggressive brain tumor. They have a 7% chance of survival. She lost one to the cancer, the other lived with no side effects so far, but her oldest of the three has brain damage, and hearing aids because of the radiation and treatment to kill the cancer. He will have to live with these effects the rest of his life although the cancer is gone.
Another child can not walk. He is in a wheelchair and also can not eat like we do. He can not swallow because his muscles have been effected by all he has gone through. He will hopefully one day be able to walk again, but it will be a lot of work and therapy. His cancer is gone, but he will forever live with the effects of the treatment.
We have come a long way from what we used to know about cancer. Yes, these kids can stay alive now, but at what cost??? We need to continue research so that they can live a GOOD and HEALTHY life.
We would love anyone to come celebrate Chase's life with us on July 9th at Liberty Park. You can join our team or even just make a donation to our team. We appreciate all those who have donated and signed up to walk with us. We are so excited to do this for all the kids waiting for a CURE! To sign up, donate, or for more information go to www.curesearch.org/saltlakecity/teamchase
After all our events in Salt Lake we headed up to Cornish. My mom was so sweet to take Mason while I played with the kids at camp and their princess party. We played with cousins in the water because it finally decided to warm up in the land of Cornish. My sister in law brought all her water toys over and my kids were loving it. Her little girl MaKye just turned one and is the cutest thing ever. She has more rolls on her legs than any baby I have ever seen. I just want to squish them.
We made our trip to willow park for a picnic dinner and then see the animals. Chase loved the monkeys and this peacock was just walking around showing off. We HAD to get a picture. I think he knew we were coming with a camera because he fanned his tail up, let a take a picture or two, and then put his tail back down and walked away.
It is not very often that you see my dad do much other than work or sleep. It was fun to see him take a little break and play with Chase. Of coarse Chase thought it was pretty fun too. They love Grandpa and all his teasing. He always says he is going to eat their pigs (toes) so they make sure that when he comes home they have "pig covers" or socks on their feet so he can't eat them.
My kids had a blast like always at their house. It is always sad to leave not only because we have a long drive home, but because we miss them. Chase asked my mom right before we left, "you going to cry grandma?" He knows that she misses them and cries every time we leave.
While we were there I was able to spend some time with some of my friends from high school. I miss them so much and very rarely get to see them. They are such a huge support and example to me. I wish we all lived closer, but I guess instead we just need to start planning vacations at least once a year to get away. This year we went over to Jami's parents cabin in Bear Lake. Everyone couldn't make it, and we missed them. Although we didn't do much other than sit around, eat, and talk we had a blast. Miss you guys!
